Candice ys

I’m 2.5 years into my degree which marks my halfway point of my degree. I’m not sure what I’m going to do as a job but it’s definitely going to be something in marketing.

I’m listening to soem random album on spotify and typing this blog with my eyes looking at the keyboard or with them shut because theyre currently flaming. I was finding songs that had some 80′s feel but modern.

I miss everyone and everything good of the past. I have a very special relationship with someone who I’ve never met and I miss that feeling a lot. Romance and such is great but I also miss the idea of plain normalcy in our relationship. You can’t be friends with someone you like so much anyway, so I thought why not, if the relationship doesn’t work out then it doesn’t. Your 20′s are meant to be a time when a lot of mishaps and crossroads happens. But what does that mean? When I’m 30, or in the my late 20′s I’ve got everything sorted, what happens to the truncated mess?

I’m planning to upskill myself and my portfolio for another year. My exchange nominations should be released this June as well. We’ll seeeeee.

I might be

dating someone I met online back in December 2017. He’s cute, nice, and broke many of my ideals. He’s different.

Why do I do this tumblr? (part 2)

I am stalking this guy who has a cute face, and I met online, and it’s clear that I’m slightly obsessed as most girls are over guys that they like. He’s put up postings of looking for other girls and I’m upset at how unloyal he is, how high his libido is but oh well I guess I can’t do anything.

Why do I do this tumblr? Why do I put myself in these sad situations where I find guys online, only knowing they only want to use me, and give myself to them to use as pleasure? I crave so much romantic affection right now and don’t know where or who to get it from. I recently met someone online who was my type of appearance and we talked about R rated things on our first night. I thought that at some point I could turn him around to be interested in me but I guess not apparently. Yesterday or “1 day ago” as it’s recorded, he has lost interest in me and put up another post looking for a girl wanting a specific feature that I lacked. He was a really cute faced guy and I was hoping to get to know him better but I guess not. It’s a huge shame though because he was my ideal type, an artsy looking but decent guy. I guess there’s no ounce of respect when you first meet someone and talk about sex. But I also hate how as a female, sex means love when it actually doesn’t. Where are all the good guys? I find it so cringey but accurate to say that I am quite desperate for someone at the moment. I am so heartbroken that I put myself in this situation, and what’s even worse I enjoy that feeling. Every guy I look at is just upsetting because it’s not him. Or maybe it’s because I associate his mistakes with the male gender? Idk. I miss going out in public and not being attracted to anyone but him. Talking to him only was the highlight of my day.

Day written: Monday, 12th Feb 2018

Day posted: Sunday, 18th Feb 2018

Day archived: Monday, 12th Feb 2018

Sad feelings from no friendship

I went to my council for their monthly meeting. I forgot I had to be there 1 hour early for the committee. She walks out laughing with one a friend and doesn’t say hi. Didn’t even update me either. I sit there lonesome and stressed.

Seeking slight companionship

I always say that I’m a weird phase in my life. And it’s true it does feel more weird and weird. Towards the end of last year I repeated what I did the year before by seeking companionship online that was disguising romance. I knew I was desperate and giving in to cravings but I applied the principles of this type of companionship seeking to the next applications.

It’s been about 60 days since we met and I am still in contact with this person I met who is from the States, until yesterday. He enjoyed my personality and we’ve had very intimate conversations, never saw how I looked before. In the beginning it was quite creepy because he sent me messages nearly every day and thought he was so desperate but I was too nice to reject him so I wanted to phase him out. Turns out, we get along very well and I’m also desperate. I haven’t been getting along with one of my close friends and it made a impact to my life, because I spent so much time with her. However talking to someone new in a platonic and romantic way, and not speaking to a friend who was quite toxic for my well-being was a great use of time.

I never made plans to meet with this person online but I felt really happy in those moments. We both knew there was a chance we’d never meet. We may be temporary but these steps are needed to get us through things. I sent him a message yesterday but I haven’t seen him online and he hasn’t replied. I suspected a possible network connection or something disruptive felt slightly sad but my heart wasn’t beating out of anticipation like it had in the last.

Although I am honestly not hurt, it has made me more resilient to rejection.

It has been almost 48 hours and he has not replied. If he does or doesn’t I still treat him the same. I usually talk to him at this hour and not speaking to him makes a void in my resting time, since I don’t know who to spend it with.

It’s not that I don’t care, it’s more that I don’t mind and I prioritise other things.

I love that he understands me and gave me affection, as I did to him. Had he liked my type of appearance and had a more stable job and not met him online I would have loved to meet him. I do love him and his character.